Check out Pt. 1
A man named Alex took over my* body for 6 months. (*This story is from the primary host, Marion’s perspective.)
If you’re not a system, you’re probably confused. How does someone take over a body? Was I possessed?
I have been the main person that has interacted with the world since my DID system was about 11. Most people that know my system think of me when they describe us. I didn’t realize that there was anyone else inside my head.
Following a traumatic event, I disappeared. It wasn’t a conscious choice. I got so overwhelmed and so traumatized that a new alter split.
He’s a trans man. I am not. (I’m trans non-binary, but I identified as a woman at the time)
So, you can imagine my surprise when I woke up for the first time in months, sitting in a coffee shop halfway across the country, wearing men’s clothing.
We fought for control and became more dissociated and amnesic. I wanted to identify as a woman, and he wanted to identify as a man. He had spent all summer going through the painstaking process of gender questioning, meeting other trans folks, and coming out to everyone in our life. He had been harassed for being trans and dealt with discrimination I hadn’t experienced. He had a whole life that I was suddenly interrupting. Meanwhile, he had taken my life and changed nearly every aspect.
During this time, he went into a clinic to get trans hormone replacement therapy (HRT). He was doing what every trans media and resource encouraged him to. He was pursuing his true identity and becoming more comfortable in his body.
When he went to the clinic, things devolved pretty quickly. Several alters fought to control the situation, and we became so dissociated a child alter fronted (became conscious and in control).
The doctor acted within WPATH standards of care (top trans medical standards) for dissociative identity disorder and gender dysphoria and denied us hormones. Alex and the other men in the system were devastated. The child alter was overwhelmed waking up in a medical clinic, and we ran to the car in tears.
The doctor made the right call, but Alex had worked months to get to that point. He had taken all the steps only to have his efforts destroyed at the last second.
Sometimes transition isn’t a straightforward process. That’s especially true for systems. It’s okay to wait until everyone’s ready. It’s okay to be trans and never medically transition or come out to others.
My Alters Want to Transition, What Do I Do?
If alters in your system want to transition, your system has a tough call to make. See pt. 1 for some of the considerations like what degree of transition and how public your transition is.
This is where communication is essential. Use your system’s form of communication to discuss if everyone’s on board. If you’re not sure how to do this, there are a lot of options which I discuss in Pt. 1
What’s important is that every person in the system agrees with whatever decision is made.
To resolve our conflict, we had a meeting in the headspace and voted. We texted each other (I recommend either Simply Plural app or Plural Kit Bot on Discord). We also discussed it with several friends and our therapist, who could tell us what other alters were thinking.
One alter that had a challenging time was Rose. She still identifies as a woman and now lives in a trans masc body. She was worried about giving up having biological kids, being comfortable when she’s out, and losing feminine characteristics. She loves singing and had to sacrifice her voice when we medically transitioned.
Ultimately, she decided that she was willing to give up some of her qualities for the system’s good. It was altruistic and came with a sense of grief that most trans people don’t experience. It wasn’t just losing an old life; it was losing a fundamental aspect of herself.
A few unique considerations have to be in place before a system transitions. One of the largest is how do we support alters that identify with the body’s assigned gender?
You may be trading gender dysphoria for some alters for gender dysphoria for others. It’s a good idea to be well versed in the counterpart transition to your own. For example, if you’re AFAB (assigned female at birth) and transitioning to appear masculine, you should be versed in how AMAB (assigned male) individuals transition to appear feminine.
Ways that we support our female alters now that we present masc are always having feminine clothes on hand (including feminine undergarments), negotiating as much as possible before switching in and out, keeping makeup around, and allowing them to present female when they’re out. We don’t suppress the feminine traits they express and give them space to still be women.
We’ve found that keeping a fairly androgynous appearance allows for fluidity. We have long hair, mix traditionally feminine and masculine clothing, and only accentuate masculine or feminine qualities depending on who’s fronting. This was part of our system’s compromise, so everyone is comfortable.
Find your non-negotiables. What qualities about identifying as man, woman, non-binary, etc., are crucial for alters to feel comfortable? Respect non-negotiables and work around them.
You will need to compromise with your system so everyone feels supported. Otherwise, you will enhance your gender dysphoria and may be denied trans care.
And remember that one compromise you can make is doing some medical or social treatments but not all. Many people choose to go on hormones to get some of the features and then go off. Some people get surgery without ever doing other treatments, and some people socially transition but never medically transition.
If you decide as a system not to transition, there are things that your system must do to help alters that do experience gender dysphoria.
Best Supporting Trans Alters if You Don’t Transition
If your system ultimately decides not to transition, you need to plan with trans alters.
Learn in great detail how to reduce gender dysphoria. This may mean that you need to purchase gender-affirming clothing items like a chest binder or a gaff. You may need to get clothes and accessories in line with your trans alters (I always thrift items because of how diverse my wardrobe has to be). You could learn new skills like how to do makeup, voice training, or spend a lot of time people-watching.
People-watching is one of the best tips I have for trans alters. The way you carry yourself, speak, and use body language has one of the most significant impacts on how people perceive your gender (without medical procedures). Find somewhere you can sit and observe, like a mall, and notice how men and women act differently. Practice the mannerisms you see and notice any difference in how you feel.
Another gender dysphoria busting tip is to do something traditionally associated with the gender you want to be perceived as. It was incredibly validating for Alex to go to the shooting range because he was always perceived and treated as masculine.
Negotiate with trans alters before and after you plan on fronting if possible, and keep a change of clothes handy if you think that it’s possible that your trans alter may want to change when they’re out.
Connect with local trans groups. Other trans folks may not understand your specific experience of being a system and having trans alters, but they will understand what gender dysphoria is like and encourage you to present comfortably regardless of who’s out.
Like a system that decides to transition, you have to treat your individual alters dysphoria. Make sure they feel supported and like they can be as comfortable as possible when they’re out.
And if dysphoria hits a point where you are feeling suicidal or need help, please reach out to a therapist or crisis line.
Helping the System in My Life
When watching someone go through a gender crisis, it can be challenging to see them struggle with such a big decision. If you’re a partner, you may wonder how that will affect your relationship and sexuality. It gets even more complicated when that person is a system because you may be hearing opposite things when different people are fronting.
Some of the ways you can support the system are listening and giving as much information as the system is comfortable, respecting whatever the system decides individually and as a whole, and being informed on transition.
Some systems may value talking to someone and having them help relay what other alters are saying with their consent. Others may feel that’s a breach of privacy. Ask what they would prefer.
As the system in your life is deciding, they may change their mind several times. They may want specific pronouns only used sometimes or not used at all. Respect their wishes and refer to them however they’d like. If they change their mind, respect that change. Their crisis is for them to figure out, and it’s not going to be a static process. If you’re having trouble with the number of changes, seek a therapist to talk through your experience.
The final thing you can do to help the system in your life is to be informed about transition. Look up what is typical in a transition and ways to help gender dysphoria. Be informed so that the system doesn’t have to spend the emotional labor to explain transition. It will also make them feel heard and validated. You may also look into systems experience with gender, though resources are few and far between. However, knowing more about how alters work may help shed some light on some of the dynamics.
There are groups for supporters of trans individuals and groups for supporters of systems. Seek out these online spaces to learn from others in your situation.
There is No Wrong Answer.
The last thing I’d like to emphasize in this series is there are no wrong answers. Whether you make a decision and stick with that decision the rest of your life, or whether you change your gender a million times, there are no wrong answers. There’s no wrong way to transition because your gender experience is unique to you.
I hope that some of the tips I’ve given serve as a resource for systems going through gender crises. If you have any questions or want to have a conversation, please reach out. If you’re still unsure of where you stand, feel free to revisit the questions in Pt. 1.